sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
