Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
