i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
