Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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