ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
What a dumb baby whore.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Randomize
