guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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