I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I am never drinking with the goths again.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
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