Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
