you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
