my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
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