Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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