If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Green mimosas i think yes
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
