Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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