turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Randomize
