You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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