I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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