I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
