My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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