Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
