If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
