I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Randomize
