Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
