captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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