3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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