she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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