I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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