I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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