Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
