i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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