Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
