i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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