brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
