coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
