I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
