We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
