I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
