Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
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