party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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