I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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