can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize