Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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