i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
