I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
