you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
