So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
