Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
