fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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