I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
