I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
