I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
