The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
