i think i have two assholes
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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