i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
