I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
