Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
