In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
50% drunk capacity currently
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
