I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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