I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
