Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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