Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
