This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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