I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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